Dee Moyza

Last night, I stepped onto the burlesque stage for the first time in two years. To say I was rusty is an understatement. It did not go well. Everything from a garter slipping down my leg before it was supposed to be removed to my (admittedly cheap, toy) handcuffs breaking during tech rehearsal to said handcuffs catching my pasty and giving people a glimpse of The Forbidden™ on my way offstage, these little mishaps just grated me further. I will own that I was underprepared (between both jobs and a smattering of interviews, the past two weeks were chaos), and that I did not practice walking in heels nearly enough given my time away from them, but at least my props could've played nice!

But if nothing else, I was able to provide one thing for the show: to make everyone else look better. And there were some magnificent performers there, and not just the pro they brought in to make sure that everyone felt they got their money's worth! XD Lots of beautiful costumes and fun routines, and everyone was so supportive and kind. So, despite the frustrations, I did have fun, though I was tired enough from working yesterday morning that I kind of spaced out and left before the tips were divvied up (don't worry, I picked up my share today), and missed out on a post-show gathering over pasties (the edible kind).

It was good to be back. I'm not sure when I'll get another chance, but I hope that when I do, things go a little bit more smoothly!

It's been a while. Overall, I'm doing okay.

Job stuff

I'm still enjoying my part-time job (well, enjoying as much as one can enjoy having to work; I like the atmosphere and my coworkers, and that makes SUCH a difference), but I'm starting to put out feelers for a different full-time one. My mental health comes into play with that one, mostly in the hours upon hours of braindead boredom inherent in custodial work. When I'm having a good day, it's fine; I get to daydream and stuff. But when I start to spiral, there's nothing to stop it, nothing to distract me from that, and that's made the whole endeavor more stressful than it should be. I don't need to do anything important; just something that keeps my mind occupied even at a basic level.

Facebook can suck it

Anyway, with all this going on, my brain decided that now, of all times, would be the best time to jump back into burlesque. I know, it's ridiculous! But I've signed up for a multi-week class, and I was accepted into a short-term mentorship program in which I get assistance in developing a solo act, with a weekend-long event at the end. It's exciting, but unfortunately, the event has chosen Facebook as its means of communication. 🤮 I don't have an account (I tried one back in, like, 2012, but got spooked by Facebook recommending me people I went to grade school with. NO.), so I made one under my stage name, and even made a little logo to use as a profile picture. I probably shouldn't have told FB I was 120 years old, though, since that seems to have triggered an account suspension that can only be appealed with a video selfie. Um, no. NO.

I'll email my assigned mentor and ask if I can check in via e-mail, the way God intended electronic communication to be handled, and if not, I can always withdraw. We already have so little privacy in this world, why would I willingly submit myself to the slimy grasp of Meta's incredibly invasive tentacles?

In happier happenings, I'm finally getting a feel for the outline I've written for my fairytale bang fic. It's been a struggle, mostly in concentration. XD I've also been chilling with some old video games the past few days. I appreciate Final Fantasy X more with each playthrough. I remember that when I played it the first time, back in the early 00s, I wasn't particularly keen on it. I didn't warm to Tidus at all, and Yuna's quiet nature made her seem passive after Rinoa and Selphie and even Garnet. But now I see the strength beneath her quietness, and I love her so much. I've even come around to liking Tidus. He's just a goofy kid that got swept up in something much more serious, and I enjoy watching him grow into his role as a guardian. Also, he and Yuna are just too cute together! Also-also: Kimahri, my beloved. ❤ Who wouldn't want a giant blue kittycat as a bodyguard?

I'm probably going to jump into X-2 after this. Despite the tonal whiplash from FFX and the cartoonish stupidity of the early chapters in particular, I really enjoy the gameplay, and the story also has some surprisingly effective scenes. I still get a chill when Yuna sees Bahamut for the first time in X-2. What has so far been an easy-breezy romp through Spira suddenly takes on a darker undertone, and Bahamut's presence here feels so appropriately wrong. Also, doing all the requirements for the Tidus ending and having Yuna decide that she doesn't need the fayth to bring him back because he's been with her the whole time, in her heart and in her memories. Oh, my heart! 😭

And then there's Paine. Paine is coolness incarnate (well, in-pixelate), and a great temper to the other girls' hyperactivity. Love her!

Okay, this got rambly. Basically, I'm still kicking, and taking a bit of downtime for myself when and where I can get it. The days are getting longer and the trees are budding and blooming, and even though I dread the coming of summer, it is so nice to leave the darkness of winter behind.

I came across this post on Tumblr and I'm ridiculously emotional over it. I touched on this a little bit in my tags, but it is important to see this side of men, and see it regularly. So much of the media we consume, from news to entertainment, practically inundates us with the worst behavior men have to offer, to the point where, for some of us, fear -- or, at the very least, suspicion -- seems to be the only viable reaction to the presence of any masculine-presenting person.*

To see, then, men who love deeply, and express that love in ways that are unique to them and the recipient of their love, is incredibly heartening. All of the gestures mentioned in that post are invaluable, and run so much deeper than rote recitation of three words or a bouquet of flowers or sparkling jewels (though chocolate is still appreciated ;) ). To me, this is love in its truest sense, a giving of oneself, for the comfort or joy or memory, or even the simple companionship, of another. It is not necessarily a sacrifice, because what they give is not gone, it simply becomes something else that they can share with others.

And to incorporate this into my ongoing quest to buy milkshakes at Home Depot, I think this kind of love is what is missing in many of the stories that I read. I find too many that rely on conflict and misunderstanding, or love as possession (which, if those tropes are your jam, you do you, enjoy!), but neglect the smaller pieces that make up a larger relationship. Please give me more quiet moments and thoughtful gestures and gifts between both parties that are unique to their characters as individuals. Please give me little moments of genuine connection, of genuine love, of a relationship that feels safe and nurturing. The world is mean enough, frightening enough, right now; let me find a safe harbor in this storm, even if it's only for a few hours. Let me have the freedom to wish for something better.

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*Just to clear some stuff up: I had a good home life, with a good father who loved both me and my mother, but I was aware that, even among my close family, this seemed to be the exception, and not the rule. Having since been single all my life and only encountering men on a regular basis as coworkers and supervisors (to whom I am inferior unless I am giving 110% all day every day), it's fair to say that my view of men is incredibly skewed. But that's exactly why posts like these are important, to show men who are loving and kind, and who find ways to express that love that are unique to them and their lived experiences.

Physically, I've been all over the place. Mentally, I've been... no place, I guess? Despite how that sounds, I'm actually doing okay. My part-time job is going well. It's not difficult, and I'm picking it up pretty quickly, and it seems my manager is impressed with me for doing so. It feels good to have my work/progress recognized, particularly by a direct supervisor, like a breath of fresh air. It's also not custodial, which is a super big PLUS. I had one interview for a full-time custodial position, and I have another coming up, but I'm hesitant to go back to that. If I can get another decently-paying part-time job, I might just be happy juggling those two instead of full-time drudgery. Of course, there's the issue of benefits, but I'm so desperate to not scrub other people's toilets anymore that I'm willing to wing it for a while. (Just watch me get sick or break a leg or something now. 🙃)

Creatively, I'm still struggling. I did have a lot of fun updating an old Transistor fanart, and I'd like to put something together for the game's tenth anniversary in a few weeks, but other than that, nothing is coming along. My burlesque act stalled out when I found that it, and my burlesque venture as a whole, was generating more stress than fun (a topic for another post), so I just put it away for now. There's nothing stopping me from revisiting it later, when I'm in a better headspace.

So, what have I been doing, then? Getting sucked back into Animal Crossing, apparently. I migrated my main game from my Switch Lite when I got a proper Switch, and I've been toying with the idea of starting a new game on the Switch Lite, so I did. I swore that this time, I was going to make it a "proper" town, with roads and sidewalks and neighborhoods and the like. And then I went and fell in love with the natural layout of the island, and don't want to alter it at all! XD To my credit, I transformed a lovely little area into a park with a walking trail and carousel and the like, and I laid out my shops and museum in a nice little paved plaza, but it seems I can't get over my obsession with sprawling green areas and trees and weeds and wildflowers and imperfectly-proportioned rivers. That's just my Animal Crossing style; you do you, I'll do me. (Seriously, there are some adorable townscapes out there; I just can't bring myself to make one of them. XD)

Wow, that's a lot of wordage just to say that I'm still here, and I'm okay, just a little quiet. I'm trying my best to take life day by day and not worry too much, and just focus on my job and continuing, somehow, to make ends meet. :)

I already did my reflecting in the (aptly titled) "Reflection" post a few weeks ago, so there's not much left to say for 2023 other than that I'm glad I survived it. It wasn't particularly terrible, but my mental health was not that great. I've been feeling much better since starting my new meds earlier this month, and I'm really hoping this feeling carries forward into the new year. I'm cautiously optimistic, and that's a huge improvement from my normal New Year's feelings.

I didn't go out for NYE this year, but I did manage to take in a show Friday night. The same show, in fact, as the one I saw last NYE: OPM at the Cosmopolitan. Sadly, this show is closing, its final performances being tonight, so I figured I'd give it one last peep, and I'm glad I did. There were enough changes to make it a fresh experience, including acts I didn't get to see last year, such as a sword-swallower, a woman dancing with at least ten hula hoops, and (frankly, the reason I wanted to go again), a guy who does yo-yo tricks with an, ahem, unconventional appendange.

(That act alone is fun, but it doesn't hurt that he's just freaking adorable, too!)

Check out the video promo (censored for YouTube, but still NSFW)

Watch on YouTube

I got turned around getting to the other side of the theater (the seats were curtained off while staff prepared for the late performance) and ended up asking him, of all people, where I was supposed to go. He (and other performers, I assume, all out of costume) were just hanging out at the bar between shows, and I only recognized him after I gave him a good look and heard his Aussie accent. He politely told me I was in the right place and the curtains were opening soon, and I decided it was in my best interest not to geek out and admit I recognized him. XD

Anyway, that was the festive part of my weekend. Tonight, I'm just relaxing at home, catching up on things here online, and going to welcome the new year with Animal Crossing ('cause it's just so cute!), and maybe some fireworks.

Happy New Year's Eve, everybody! I hope 2024 will treat all of us well!

As I said in the previous post, finally getting medicated for ADHD has felt like coming out of a tunnel I didn't even realize I was traveling through. I'm hoping that getting on these meds and staying off the BC will help get my mind back on track and signal an end to the weird mental and emotional roller coaster I've been on for the past two years. Here's to hope! \o/

Even though I feel much better now, 2023 was pretty much a wash for me, so now I'm looking ahead to taking care of things that fell by the wayside during the year, mainly fic and fandom things.

❀ Read and comment on gift fics!

❀ Reply to comments languishing in my AO3 inbox since 2021(!)

❀ Reply to fic prompts (as I said, Fic or Treat might be Stocking Stuffers, or even NYE Party Poppers)

❀ Reply to prompts, asks, and memes on Tumblr (some also dating back to 2021; looking back, I think it's evident when my mental health began slipping)

❀ I signed up for Fannish Fifty this year, but didn't even get started, so I'm pushing that forward into 2024, and making it a multi-year project, if necessary.

❀ Go through my overstuffed Drafts folder on Tumblr, post and cull as necessary.

❀ Work on an outfit and a routine for a new burlesque act (a local show is taking applications until the end of January, and I'd like to give it a shot, even if I don't get accepted)

There's more, I'm sure, but that list is enough for the moment. With maybe one or two exceptions, I won't be starting on these until after Christmas, but they do give me a nice list of things to do during the post-holiday lull.

On a lighter note, even though it wasn't particularly productive for me, 2023 wasn't entirely terrible. I had some exciting firsts, and discovered a hobby and community I really enjoy. I'm looking forward to the holidays, to working day shift for a few weeks (yay!), and to bobbing along on the rest of the year as it slides on by.

Hope everyone is doing well, and here's looking forward to a cozy and peaceful end of year and a hopeful year ahead. :)

There's a sense of surreality to browsing an adult store that's playing Christmas music. Like, sure, let me check out this spicy lingerie while listening to "Angels We Have Heard on High." XD

Anyway, I'm still here. My brain's still not. :( I'm hoping to get through my fic/comment/prompt backlog by the end of the year. We'll see. Fic or Treat fics will just have to be stocking stuffers.

Trying some new medication to see if we can calm the ADHD gremlins in my head. So far, all it's done is make me drowsy. But I'll give it some time; at least it hasn't given me heart palpitations, yet.

This isn't the most sunshiny post, I know, but I'm really not in a bad place. Just kind of hanging out in a gray area for the moment, taking the laughs where I can get them, and looking forward to putting up the holiday decorations and Christmas tree this weekend. 🎄

Guess who got an official ADHD diagnosis at [REDACTED] years of age? I really hadn't even considered the possibility I might have it until early last year. I've always been a bit fidgety, but (say it with me) did well in school and, for the most part, at work. And I thought my procrastination and tendency to wait until the last minute to complete projects was just a character quirk. But then I came across a video by How to ADHD on someone else's blog, and things started to fall into place.

The video in question had the host visiting a Target and finding a lot of fun items marketed toward kids that helped her better manage her own ADHD symptoms. Cute, I thought, and I started to see that I worked similarly: I find a lot of items marketed toward adults/the general public to be drab and boring, and I often need that pop of color and cuteness and novelty that come with items marketed toward the younger set. So, I followed a link to her channel to see if she had any other tips on un-boring-fying my environment, and I saw videos about procrastination, the inability to begin projects, rejection-sensitive dysphoria, and the like, and the more I watched, the more I recognized myself in these videos.

The final push to get me to request an official diagnosis was a questionnaire from my psychiatrist's office, in which all of my answers fell into the ADHD-likely category. So, I asked her about it, she scheduled a QB Test for me, and I spent an agonizing twenty minutes watching insipid little shapes pop up on a computer screen. I left that test agitated and more than a little grumpy, which was probably a diagnosis all on its own.

I visited my psychiatrist for the results yesterday, and she read them through with me. I ranked in the 99th percentile for most of the categories, which she explained as, "99% of the control group was more attentive/less active/less impulsive than you were." XD I really could have told anyone that before the test!

At this point, I'm going to go ahead and try therapy to manage my symptoms, because figuring out antidepressants + stimulants is not a battle I want to fight just yet. But it is so nice to know that there is an explanation for why I think and act like I do, and I'm not simply broken (or worse, that I've gradually become dumber since halfway through high school). Looking back, I can see these symptoms in my younger self, but they were either mitigated or outright accommodated by my interests and environment. (Basically, I was a good student because I was interested in what I was learning, and I was allowed to run and play in the afternoons to get all of my excess energy out. Which makes me question, exactly who is adult life designed for? I need playtime, damn it! ;) )

Anyway, it's been a long time coming, but it feels incredible to know that I'm not broken. :)

✿ My apartment's A/C did its annual "screw you, I'm not working" thing this morning, just in time for the temp to hit 107°F this afternoon. 😩 Maintenance provided us with a portable unit, a bit more banged-up than the one they lent us last year, but it's doing its job, and at least the living room, kitchen, and dining nook are comfortable. But maintenance didn't get here until after 4PM, and a morning and afternoon of sweating and munching on Sonic ice left me tired.

✿ Which is to say, I didn't get much done. And there's so much to do! I have to touch up my burlesque outfit (mainly replacing Velcro with snaps) and incorporate some suggestions from the previous class by tomorrow evening. (Three more classes and then it's showtime! What?!) I'm really having a ton of fun with it, though. I was even apparently momentarily possessed by the spirit of a Texan and made a large "belt" buckle out of sparkly foam and rhinestones, emblazoned with the initials of my stage name. (Which, I belatedly realized, are "EH", which makes me look a little blasé about the whole thing...or just Canadian!)

"Buckle" and bejeweled tassels :)

✿ I also need to get around to commenting on my Rarepair Exchange fic. Writer, if you somehow come across this post, I haven't forgotten! I love your fic and will definitely get around to telling you formally, I promise! 💕

✿ The same goes for my Fandom 5K fic, which was revealed ages ago! silveradept, I'm so, so sorry! I withdrew from that exchange and wasn't keeping up with it, and then life got hectic and it slipped my mind, and I know there's no good excuse, but I read it and loved it, too, and will get that AO3 comment out to you! Thank you for your gift and your patience! 💕

✿ Job-wise, I woke up to an email request for an interview with a different company a few mornings ago, so keeping my fingers crossed that the universe doesn't punish me too harshly for being so darn picky about my working environment.

✿ I got caught up in the last few days of the Blue Castle book club over on Tumblr and consequently shoved a lot of other types of posts into my ever-expanding drafts folder. Gotta queue those up, eventually, but that's really at the bottom of my to-do list at the moment.

✿ Anything else? Not that I can think of (whew!). Time management really isn't my forte.

Normally, I would advocate for museum visitation. It's fun! It's interesting! It's educational! But when you have bands of moisture from a tropical system drifting in, with periodic heavy rain and street flooding, do you seriously mean to tell me that you have nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon than go to the museum?

I don't mind the rain itself. In fact, as a desert rat, I welcome it. But this place is just not able to handle a lot of rain in a short period, and streets quickly become ponds and streams. And drivers don't seem to notice, based on how they continue to speed and weave. I love the rain, but I hate driving in it, so now I'm watching the sky from work, hoping it won't turn into a downpour by the time I leave, and silently cursing all these people who justified keeping the place open for the day.

(ETA: I'll let you guess when the rain started. 🙃 Thankfully, though, it's been fairly light. The heavier stuff is coming tomorrow.)