Dee Moyza

Guess who got an official ADHD diagnosis at [REDACTED] years of age? I really hadn't even considered the possibility I might have it until early last year. I've always been a bit fidgety, but (say it with me) did well in school and, for the most part, at work. And I thought my procrastination and tendency to wait until the last minute to complete projects was just a character quirk. But then I came across a video by How to ADHD on someone else's blog, and things started to fall into place.

The video in question had the host visiting a Target and finding a lot of fun items marketed toward kids that helped her better manage her own ADHD symptoms. Cute, I thought, and I started to see that I worked similarly: I find a lot of items marketed toward adults/the general public to be drab and boring, and I often need that pop of color and cuteness and novelty that come with items marketed toward the younger set. So, I followed a link to her channel to see if she had any other tips on un-boring-fying my environment, and I saw videos about procrastination, the inability to begin projects, rejection-sensitive dysphoria, and the like, and the more I watched, the more I recognized myself in these videos.

The final push to get me to request an official diagnosis was a questionnaire from my psychiatrist's office, in which all of my answers fell into the ADHD-likely category. So, I asked her about it, she scheduled a QB Test for me, and I spent an agonizing twenty minutes watching insipid little shapes pop up on a computer screen. I left that test agitated and more than a little grumpy, which was probably a diagnosis all on its own.

I visited my psychiatrist for the results yesterday, and she read them through with me. I ranked in the 99th percentile for most of the categories, which she explained as, "99% of the control group was more attentive/less active/less impulsive than you were." XD I really could have told anyone that before the test!

At this point, I'm going to go ahead and try therapy to manage my symptoms, because figuring out antidepressants + stimulants is not a battle I want to fight just yet. But it is so nice to know that there is an explanation for why I think and act like I do, and I'm not simply broken (or worse, that I've gradually become dumber since halfway through high school). Looking back, I can see these symptoms in my younger self, but they were either mitigated or outright accommodated by my interests and environment. (Basically, I was a good student because I was interested in what I was learning, and I was allowed to run and play in the afternoons to get all of my excess energy out. Which makes me question, exactly who is adult life designed for? I need playtime, damn it! ;) )

Anyway, it's been a long time coming, but it feels incredible to know that I'm not broken. :)

I'm sure I'm not the only one. Sometimes, you come across a fictional character or pairing or dynamic that just feels liberating to contemplate and write about, though exactly what you're being liberated from is unclear. I'm not a big shipper in fandom, so it's very little wonder why my current ship obsession never crossed my mind until I saw it in a prompt a few months ago, but after writing just a few short fics featuring it, something about it just clicked with me.

I'm referring to the pairing of Quistis/Rinoa from FF8, which has been an absolute joy to write, a boon to my creativity, and had positive little ripple effects throughout other aspects of my thoughts and emotions. I've wanted to write about this for a while, but it isn't an easy subject to articulate; however, sometimes the best approach is to dive right in, and that is what I'll do here. This post will be long, and a bit personal, so fair warning. ;)

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