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Creativity as Communication
Feb. 28th, 2022 10:52 amWell, hell. Another event specific to my fandoms pretty much gone. I'll admit it, I see the fandom-specific challenges/exchanges on ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomcalendar, or the call for zine applications on Tumblr and Twitter, and I feel a little envious of people whose interests align with others'. I mean, good for them and all, but sometimes I feel like I've got my nose pressed up against a window, fogging it up with my breath, while the people on the other side are having a grand old time. But again: good for them.
Confession: I've never been able to write for myself. If the story I cook up is only for me, there's no point in writing it down. It'll live in my head, in all its permutations, until I've lost interest or don't need it anymore. The act of writing, for me, is less about preserving a random idea, and more (much more) about communication. I'm actually quite isolated in real life: I don't have close friends, I'm shy, and I work a strange schedule that precludes a lot of suggested socialization opportunities, at a job that's heavily stigmatized. The people I do have in my life, though they are supportive of my creative endeavors, I don't dare share my stories or fannish interests with. It's just...too weird. All of this to say, I've really placed far too much weight on my writing as a major avenue of communication with others, which makes dwindling communities all the more painful.
And perhaps the dumbest thing about this is that I often end up dropping the communication ball myself. I'm thrilled and grateful when people leave kudos and comments on my work, but then my brain just freezes up with trying to respond. So, now I have a bunch of random people who probably think I'm ungrateful, or worse, entitled, and probably won't take the time to check out anything else I write. :/
I really don't know where I'm going with this, other than to say that I have a really unhealthy relationship with my own creativity, and I know I need to change it, but I'm not sure where to begin. Creative writing as communication is all well and good in moderation, but it's unsustainable as a main source of it.
And also, damn my brain for being attracted primarily to small and/or dying fandoms!
fandomcalendar, or the call for zine applications on Tumblr and Twitter, and I feel a little envious of people whose interests align with others'. I mean, good for them and all, but sometimes I feel like I've got my nose pressed up against a window, fogging it up with my breath, while the people on the other side are having a grand old time. But again: good for them. Confession: I've never been able to write for myself. If the story I cook up is only for me, there's no point in writing it down. It'll live in my head, in all its permutations, until I've lost interest or don't need it anymore. The act of writing, for me, is less about preserving a random idea, and more (much more) about communication. I'm actually quite isolated in real life: I don't have close friends, I'm shy, and I work a strange schedule that precludes a lot of suggested socialization opportunities, at a job that's heavily stigmatized. The people I do have in my life, though they are supportive of my creative endeavors, I don't dare share my stories or fannish interests with. It's just...too weird. All of this to say, I've really placed far too much weight on my writing as a major avenue of communication with others, which makes dwindling communities all the more painful.
And perhaps the dumbest thing about this is that I often end up dropping the communication ball myself. I'm thrilled and grateful when people leave kudos and comments on my work, but then my brain just freezes up with trying to respond. So, now I have a bunch of random people who probably think I'm ungrateful, or worse, entitled, and probably won't take the time to check out anything else I write. :/
I really don't know where I'm going with this, other than to say that I have a really unhealthy relationship with my own creativity, and I know I need to change it, but I'm not sure where to begin. Creative writing as communication is all well and good in moderation, but it's unsustainable as a main source of it.
And also, damn my brain for being attracted primarily to small and/or dying fandoms!
